Why Ferguson Missouri has changed me.

I grew up in a very conservative house. My step dad is a neo-con, my mom is a “liberal Christian”, and we went to church every Sunday. We were patriotic to a tee, I grew up with my sole aspiration to be a United States Marine and defend people against the evil “over there”. I would get upset when people didn’t respect the pledge of allegiance, or when they would make punk songs out of gospel music.

I was raised with that idealized version of America. We were a country where it was the merits of a man’s actions that made him worth respect, I still hold this ideal only for me it is the merits of a person’s action that make them worthy of respect. We were a country that had defeated racism, it was in the past. We were a country that stood against the evils of the night, we ended colonialism. We were the protectors of the world, from the Nazis and the commies alike. We didn’t have a police state, our constitution protected us from the evils of man, much like Jesus protected us from the evils of Lucifer.

It was the Bush presidency that started to change me, I was in high school and I knew gay kids, I knew hippies and drug users (I even did some of that to horrific result). I still justified my dislike of them using the political and religious language I had grown up with, but the seeds of doubt had been planted by real life experience. I became a Libertarian, I toyed with alternate spiritualities (Buddhism especially). I became incredibly depressed over this departure from “normal”, I attempted suicide over the guilt I felt. I didn’t talk about it much, really only when I thought my personal experience could help someone who was struggling.

I mention this past because it gives context. I grew up with the typical attitude of “that doesn’t happen here.” That attitude sneaks up on me, when there were police putting down protestors in Egypt I smugly forgot how the local PD had put down Occupy. When Pussy Riot was abused and locked up, I forgot the stories of activists getting locked up in the states.

I watched a video recently of footage from the Ferguson MO protests, and it crushed this small innocent core I had. This video, shot in night vision by a journalist, could have come from the streets of turkey, or perhaps even gaza. This forced me to internalize what I had safely intellectualized, I have talked about the police state, and racism, and all of these issues previously, but they had never touched my heart, never impacted that inner sanctum of false superiority. Even though I have never been to Missouri, hearing the shells and the crack of rifles on the streets in what amounts to my political back yard has fucked me up.  

I can’t get this out of my head, to know that I had allowed myself to be so deceived after proclaiming my own knowledge of the issues in this country. To harbor this delusion, to hide it even from myself, has injured me and my efforts. I am now confronted with my own delusion, and the issue of correcting my error. I have no solutions, yet I am convinced that now is the time to take action to stop the current hostilities, and to prevent future hostilities.